Saturday, January 10, 2015

Cold, Heavy Regrets

It's cold, late, I'm tired, and I've left my S.O. in a warm, cozy bed.

Sleep evades me. In stead, I have been gifted with the highlight reel of my regrets. I have been laying, frozen in fear and pain watching them dance before my mind's eye. 

This happens too often.

My ghosts haunt me. They swirl around me and sit, heavily upon my chest. I plead with them and justify them. I ask them, kindly, to go. They scare me too much to demand such an action from them.

Most of my regrets have faces. If a particular regret does not directly involve a person then I, surely, have assigned a nearby person to it. I gave it a human face and now I must carry it with me.

I have read plenty of books that made use of magic and potions to make people forget things; sometimes by choice, other times by someone else's will. I long for a potion to make my regrets fade from memory. To take away the faces and feelings.

They are always temporarily forgotten. Until they're not.

Surely I carry them with me to learn something. But that can't be true. I have learned the lesson on some and I have corrected future similar situations. Yet I still carry the regret.

My regrets come in all sizes and severity. But come they do. At night. During brilliant, sunny days. Alone or next to my Love.

I don't know their point. I don't know their power. I just know...

This happens too often.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Muddy Dreams

The other night I dreamed I was crawling through mud. Sticky, difficult brown goop. 

People looked on offering no help even as I asked for none. I crawled and struggled, panting and sweating. I had no idea how to get out or even in what direction I should aim. 

Eventually I made my way to the edge of the mud and stood up, covered in the mess. It was quickly drying and hardening into clumps that hindered my movements. Exhausted and defeated I went walking in search of where I came from, but even that seemed to be a mystery.

The next night, I, of course, went in search of dream dictionaries.

To dream of mud tends to have a more obvious meaning, that you are being weighed down by something. And all of the frustration of walking through mud accompanies it.

I am amidst many situations that are weighing me down. This I know. Thanks, dream.

Then, after searching the Internet I found lovely tips on how to get out of mud. Everything from taking your second step before your first even lands to slithering like a snake when on the ground to evade the perilous mud holes. 

But the number one thing all the lists suggested; DO NOT go in muddy places alone. Always have someone with you. Maybe my answer cannot be found in how to think like a snake or how quickly I should take my steps.

Perhaps, most importantly, I should not be in the mud alone.