Saturday, October 29, 2011

OCD

    I haven't been posting because I'm anal retentive. It's the sad truth. I can't just write when I feel like writing. Or for the sake of writing. It has to be perfect, or at least as close to it as I can get. I obsess over everything.
I had a friend in basic training last year that I would write and what he doesn't know about my letters to him is that there were several copies of each one. It went like this...
  1. Type out letter on computer.
  2. Edit letter.
  3. Write it out on notebook paper.
  4. Write it "For Real" on stationary.
  5. Then re-write the "For Real" due to minor errors.


I technically wear glasses though few people ever see me with them on because I find all three pairs to be crooked so they drive me nuts. And on more than one occasion they have been thrown across the room for not being straight.

My eye doctor gave me a speech about getting over my obsessive compulsive issues. It didn't work.

For the record though, I am working on it.
A man would do nothing if he waited until he could do it so well that no one could find fault.  ~John Henry Newman

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I Don't Know

"I don't know," are three words no one ever wants to hear. I don't understand why it's so bad to not know something. Why must we always have answers?

I get asked, "Do you believe in an afterlife?" I answer, "I don't know." For some reason this usually agitates the questioner. Apparently I need an answer. I need to know right then and there what I believe about where I'll go when I die.

"Doesn't it bother you not to know?"

"No. Whether I believe in an afterlife or not won't change how I'm going to live in the here and now."

I like answers too. But I like options with my answers. It's one of the reasons why I am so attracted to Judaism. There are so many answers to the same question and in the end no one answer is right or wrong.

"I don't know," is an admittance to being human. It's that sometimes the answers to the questions are bigger than me. Not that I don't have the right to come up with my own answers, but that I equally have the right to say that I don't know the answers.

When I was younger I was always asked what my favorite color was.

"I don't have one."

"Everyone has a favorite."

"Well I don't."

"Why not?"

"Because I like all colors."

"Yeah but you have to like one a little more than the others."

"Why?"

"That's just how it works."

"Well can I narrow it down then? To like three?"

"No, you can only pick one."

I would frown until struck with a brilliant idea. "Then I pick rainbow."

"That's not a color!"

That pretty accurately sums up my life. I ask too many questions and never offer up the correct answers. That's because I just don't know. And I'm okay with that.

Friday, October 7, 2011

I Cry, Therefore I'm Happy

Sometimes I just feel like crying over things I have no reason to cry over. Or maybe I don't even have a reason to be crying. Perhaps I'm borrowing reasons.

But it's therapeutic to cry, right? I am a big fan of it. I cry through virtually every movie I see.

It's odd because I would never have guessed I would be like this in life. A cryer. Yet I am. I cry at some of the weirdest stuff. Sometimes I have no idea why I'm crying through a particular part of a movie. I just do.

I think it's a balance thing though. Because I cry so often I get to also be very giddy and happy the rest of the time.

Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either. ~Golda Meir
Think about it. Children always seem quite happy, yet it also seems they are often briefly crying.
 
I am a girl of emotional extremes. I am either very angry (this doesn't last long,) crying (this also doesn't last long,) or quite peppy and happy.

Obviously this came to mind because I feel like crying right now. The reason is a bit fuzzy. But I do feel like it and I probably will. Then I will be giddy and productive and smile non-stop because I got it out of my system.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Rosh HaShanah

As I sat in the Rosh HaShanah service last week I couldn't get over how normal that felt, sitting there. I've never been to a Rosh HaShanah service before so you would think that it wouldn't feel all that normal.

But it does. Like something I was raised doing.

I was not, however, raised doing that. For the past few years I have loosely observed Jewish holidays, though I never went to a synagogue for services.

For over a year now I have been going to a synagogue regularly and over the past couple of months I have been studying to convert.

I still never expected a service I have never been to before feel like I have. But that's how I feel about Judaism. It all feels so natural. So right.


Shanah Tovah!!!