Monday, August 31, 2015

My Love,

I sat down to write an upset message to you tonight. Letters and words quickly came into existence across the glowing white page in front of me.

I told you that you hurt my feelings. I admonished you for unjust actions.

But then…

I ate some macaroni and cheese and I listened to Joshua Radin songs.

And then…

I remembered all of the little and big things I love about you.

Maybe it was the songs or perhaps the macaroni and cheese, but, my Love, I love you.

I love you.

Soon I will quietly join you in bed and I will gently kiss your sleeping form. You will roll over and hold me even while never leaving the hazy dream world that you, undoubtedly, occupy.

I love you.

Friday, July 24, 2015


I  have always understood that relationships require work and lots of communication. Both of those things I am more than willing to do.

But most of my relationship with A. has boiled down to conundrums.

Which do I want more?

Kids or her?

Two kids without her or just one with her?

Cheaper tuition further away or her?

Vacations spent with my S.O. laying on sunny, sandy beaches, or her and non-sunny places? (Medical condition.)

Children with unique names or your one named by her?

This or that.

I know that when two people go into a relationship they both have different ideas and dreams, and to make it work you have to remove, compromise, and add things to your own dreams that you didn't imagine.

But what happens if I don't think I can give up a part of my dream? A part that she simply can't add to her dream?

I know; that was rhetorical.

I know the answer.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

French Fries and Relationship Deciding Comments

“Yeah, I decided I only want one kid,” she stated casually as she ate a French fry, sitting in Chick-fil-a. Meanwhile, across from her, I nearly choked on my food.

It was the comment combined with the casualty of the tone. As if she just stated that she would prefer pie instead of cake for her birthday.

Like, “okay, plenty of time to change the plans. I haven’t even ordered the cake yet.”

Or not.

More like I had already named our two adopted children and planned what foreign languages they would learn.

And also what musical instruments they would be required to try along with at least one sport.

“But, I had just decided I want two children...”

She shrugged.


Sunday, May 17, 2015


I got a C in a course.

I'm an honor student.

It was my fault. I didn't do all of the homework on time.

I've never made anything other than an A or B.

After crying, drinking, and just generally getting very, very upset over it I have decided that's okay.

I'll keep my C.

I didn't fail.

Life goes on.

Thursday, May 7, 2015


desire to possess things. Sometimes I feel bad by this but I believe it to be a very human desire.

I unofficially live with my girlfriend, which sort of just happened without her actually asking me to move in. It sprung up out of convenience on my part. 

I feel horrible about it frequently. I say I unofficially live with her because most of my possessions are not at her place. Her place. I don't have a place. My stuff, what little I have, is sitting in my parents' mostly empty house that's been in the middle of their divorce dispute.

My car died on me about a month ago so my mother has been graciously letting me borrow her car until I am able to buy a new one. That's difficult because money is very, very tight for this college student. 

I have maxed out two credit cards and my bank account currently has $1.47 in it. I have a small sum in an envelope hid away for a car. Sadly, I had to take from it to put gas in my (borrowed) car today so that I could make it to school. 

I came up short this week because I had to go to the doctor twice and had $50 in medications. Just co-pays and medications wiped out my gas money.

My cellphone needs to be paid by tomorrow and $1.47 isn't going to cover it. So that's going to come out of the car fund. Which is now shrinking faster than a wool sweater in the dryer.

So things, I want them. Not lots of things, or expensive things, but something. Something that is mine.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015


For the first time in my adult life I am attempting to do my own taxes.

I thought it wouldn't be that bad. It is. Who designed this?! Walking across Legos is less painful.

Just take my soul. Please.

Also, I have a test tomorrow that I should be studying for.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Cold, Heavy Regrets

It's cold, late, I'm tired, and I've left my S.O. in a warm, cozy bed.

Sleep evades me. In stead, I have been gifted with the highlight reel of my regrets. I have been laying, frozen in fear and pain watching them dance before my mind's eye. 

This happens too often.

My ghosts haunt me. They swirl around me and sit, heavily upon my chest. I plead with them and justify them. I ask them, kindly, to go. They scare me too much to demand such an action from them.

Most of my regrets have faces. If a particular regret does not directly involve a person then I, surely, have assigned a nearby person to it. I gave it a human face and now I must carry it with me.

I have read plenty of books that made use of magic and potions to make people forget things; sometimes by choice, other times by someone else's will. I long for a potion to make my regrets fade from memory. To take away the faces and feelings.

They are always temporarily forgotten. Until they're not.

Surely I carry them with me to learn something. But that can't be true. I have learned the lesson on some and I have corrected future similar situations. Yet I still carry the regret.

My regrets come in all sizes and severity. But come they do. At night. During brilliant, sunny days. Alone or next to my Love.

I don't know their point. I don't know their power. I just know...

This happens too often.